The Daily Dunder
by Redeeming Red
Summary: Michael decides to entertain the office during the dull months of winter by starting a newspaper involving stories exclusively about their lives. Potential opener for an episode of The Office, Season 5-ish.


**Apologies for any potential timeline errors or anything along the lines of that. This is written for the pure purpose of amusement, and hopefully it achieves that. This is also composed strictly of personal interviews with the characters . I do not own The Office.**

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[_Set during Season 5._ _Opens with various shots outside Dunder Mifflin of the building and the parking lot with light snow flurries. __**Michael**__ is seen hurrying into work with a large parka. Camera cuts to __**Michael**__ in his office._]

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**Michael:** You know, it's that time of year again when everything's just starting to get _duuull_ and _naaasty_ and it's all snowy outside and you know what? [_leans back in chair with a sense of authority_] Adults don't like snow. They really don't. I mean, it's just depressing seeing all those little, fluffy, powdery [_gestures hands through the air as he grows slightly flustered_]…things falling down like the sky. [_chuckles, wiping at his forehead with his hand, glancing down_] Just depressing.

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**Jim: **When Michael says he's going to cheer everyone up, I usually start reviewing the quickest way to the fire escape in my head. [_shrugs at camera_] You know, just in case.

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**Michael:** [_points outside office door_] Those people out there are becoming madmen! It's like…cabin fever. Only this is office fever. And it's like [_looks up as he conjures up a number_] ten times more deadly. No, what those people need is…[_throws hands up, signifying that the result is simple and triumph has been achieved_] a distraction. I mean, [_leans in slightly for emphasis_] what does Make a Wish do when those cancer victims find out they only have a month to live? It takes them to Disney World or buys them a car. Point being, it _distracts_ them! [_sits back in chair again, shrugging modestly_] I mean, it's genius. Just genius.

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**Dwight:** I don't want to come off as conceited, but I can officially confirm that Michael has given [_points to himself_] this guy right here, a promotion. Now, I not only answer to the title of Assistant to the Regional Manager, but also to the title of Private Reporter. [_bobs head smugly_] Yeah, you heard right. Private Reporter Dwight here to give you all the dirty details of Dunder Mifflin. If I were you, I'd make sure any traffic violations, medical records, and personal blogs were removed from the internet A.S.A.P..

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**Michael:** [_opens hands dramatically_] Newspaper. Who does _not_ read the newspaper? I'll tell you-no one! Because _everyone_ reads the newspaper! I mean, it's like distraction meets perfection! [_leans back, chuckling_] I have to pat myself on the back for this one because this is a Dunder Mifflin first. [_leans forward again_] You tell me one paper company that has had their own newspaper before, full of the latest [_counts out on fingers_] gossip, rumors, possible truths…_theories._ Hmm? Can't name one, can you? [_pauses, then exhales slowly_] I mean, yes, paper companies do supply the paper used in newspapers on occasion, but this is totally different. Totally my idea; I did _not _take it from that.

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**Pam:** [_holds up newspaper titled __The Daily Dunder__ and stares at it silently for a few moments before acknowledging the camera_] I really don't know what to say about this.

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**Ryan:** [_also holds up newspaper_] You know, speaking from my past experiences with laws, [_pauses, looking at the camera as he thinks_] I'm _preeetty_ sure this breaks more than one of them.

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**Michael:** [_proudly_] Yeah, I put Dwight on [_makes air quotations with fingers_] "journalist duty" to get me some dirt. I put my own spin on a few things, you know, just to keep things interesting. But you know the best part? [_leans close to camera, lowers voice_] The entire newspaper is totally _anonymous!_ [_leans back again, speaking normally_] So I mean yeah, I probably won't get the credit, at least not at first, for my own brilliance, but you know, there are more important things in life. [_points outside office_] I don't want them to think that I'm doing this for them. I want them to just enjoy themselves, have a nice read, and learn a thing or two about each other.

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**Jim:** [_examining cover of newspaper_] Now one thing that is kind of interesting is that Pam and I did make the cover. [_holds up newspaper, displaying badly photoshopped picture of the two of them_] I mean I think she was, what twelve in this class picture? [_points to himself_] And then there's me. Kindergarten class of '89. [_sets newspaper aside_] Apparently, she was my babysitter, and it was love at first sight, even though…I'm actually older than she is. [_sits back in chair, pretending to think deeply_] You know, I guess I was just too young to remember.

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**Andy: **[_throws newspaper in air angrily_] You know, I don't know how many times I'm gonna have to say it, but I am [_starts to shout_] _NOT GAY!_ I mean, [_clenches fists and looks away from camera_] that just makes me _so angry!_ [_looks back at camera, still shouting_] I just really like hugs, okay? [_gestures to himself angrily_] I'm a cuddly guy!

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**Meredith:** [_looks at camera in disbelief_] I did _not_ name my son Chardonnay. [_pauses, trying to remember name_] His name is…Jake. Yes, _Jake._

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**Angela:** [_wipes her eyes with hands, tears visible as she struggles to keep her voice from trembling_] Sprinkles was my best friend. And I [_voice cracks as she shouts the word "know"_] _know_ that I did not kill her in my sleep! [_starts sobbing_] I mean, why would someone even say such a thing?

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**Stanley:** [_in a monotone_] I did not arrive in this country on a slave ship from Africa and no, I do not have A.I.D.S..

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**Michael:** [_grinning proudly_] I mean, what can I say? Some guys just have the gift of knowing what people want and how to give it to them. [_chuckles_]

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[_Cut to The Office Theme._]


End file.
